So apparently, if I have trouble sleeping, then you get something to wake up to. I get left with my thoughts, and my habits lately have been to frustrate myself with unanswerable career goals questions to the point I make myself even more awake. So I escape, to peaceful thoughts of you, us, and the endless possibilities.

Funny how possibilities with you make me happy and don’t intimidate me at all. I trust them to work themselves out and make sense for the both of us. That no matter what, we will emerge as stronger people and closer to discovering our true selves.

The possibilities with my career fill me with apprehension. It’s evolving into this fear of choosing the wrong path, the fear of losing more time, having less of an impact on… something I can’t define. Each question leads to another and I’m walking in circles. Taking a look in the same corner just to make sure I didn’t miss a way forward. There are plenty of exits, but they all have known ends. Ends that I, at least, know that I don’t want.

I want to live life. I grew tired of only living for the future, for a time where I had everything and everyone, that didn’t actually exist. I found that living that way prevents you from making actual meaningful connections with people and personal interests in yourself. You fall victim to repeated habits with predictable and safe outcomes. Where it doesn’t matter if life skips a beat, because it’s already repeated itself before you could notice.

At times, I feel paralyzed by the possibility of doing nothing that matters. Which encourages a very worthless cycle. Until I identify what I want to affect, what I want to matter, it feels impossible to define a solution to make that impact happen. This is where my wheels begin to spin until they melt and shut down entirely. I will keep trying, something will reveal itself, it always has, and it’s where the core of my trust in reality resides, so I don’t have a choice or a single doubt.

Once, I’m satisfied with my efforts for that round. I need peace. I need sanity. I need order. I need fuel. I need a fix. Just to remind me that I know what the fuck I’m doing. A tangible example of something I’m proud of being a part of. At this moment in time, I keep going back to, us. For me, we are the culmination of a quarter-life’s worth of experiences. Some that make sense, others that were out of control, all which made both of us who we are.

I feel as if our paths crossed a while ago, and we were walking along side one another, fully expecting the other one to break off and head in the opposite direction. That didn’t happen, and eventually, and nearly simultaneously, we reached out for each other’s hand when we realized this part of the journey was meant for us to share it. Even now, we both seem to be looking in different directions, all around us, but we continue to walk forward, hand in hand. I’ve already noticed the opportunities don’t seem as gray and lifeless, even if I’ve seen them before. I see new ways to make more out of what is close by. I’m finding new and unique intricacies in the things I was most familiar with. New ways to be happy, new value to that happiness, and a renewed trust in its existence and power. Even if it isn’t everlasting or it wavers, I know it’s out there and still worth reaching for and holding again.

It is the strength that comes from our chemistry that has taken what should have been one the biggest trials of my life and broken it into manageable steps. It has put so much of what makes me who I am into proper perspective. Parts of my soul that I buried are waking up and reminding me that I need to be whole to be alive. I’d almost given up on the lover and artist within me. But after just a few teases of expression for both, I can feel that fire starting to take over for where my career/goal/impact self has stumbled lately.

All I know is that when both of those woke up, you were close by. I wanted to express those to you, and I don’t fight my natural inspiration. There’s nothing more pure or real to me, and there’s nothing I trust more. I love you and I hope you’ve felt that from me all along even when it was too sane to say it.